Thursday, February 15, 2007

excuse me while i take my osteoporosis medicine

A few months ago, when I was looking for some crochet information online, I discovered a magazine. A magazine devoted entirely to crochet patterns. And not the kinds of patterns that grandmas choose to make afghans to adorn the backs of their rocking chairs, no, these are much more modern patterns including sweaters, stuffed animals, cool blankets, etc. I was instantly mesmerized.

I requested my FREE! copy, and soon after, I subscribed. I still eagerly await the days when I will come home from work and a new edition will be waiting for me, so I can pore through the contents and try to decide what in the world I might crochet next. Granted, there are a few negatives involved in me getting this magazine. For one, I have officially crossed over to the dark side. I'm one of those people, the annoying crafty people who devote an entire room to their craftiness (ok, so far I've only got a corner of a closet, but we live in a small house). Secondly, not all of the patterns in this magazine are as "hip and modern" as they claim to be. I'm sorry, but I'm never ever going to think that a mustard-colored fuzzy bolero jacket is cute. Never. Ever. And third, the worst of all, I have somehow been characterized by the mailing powers-that-be as a granny in a rocking chair, crocheting doilies. About once a week now I will get some little brochure or catalog containing patterns for hideous-looking afghans, lacy doilies, and now, it's not even ending with the patterns. Now it has moved to catalogs for general old people products. I'm 25 and a half, and I am getting mail that caters to women who are 85 and a half!

I have proof. Two days ago I received a catalog from this company. Some of the things in the catalog I couldn't have come up with in my wildest dreams, like the extremely frightening "Slimming Shapers" or the thing that makes me wonder how much time people really have on their hands, the "Hair Cutting Umbrella". Unfortunately, I can't get the pictures to save as jpg's, or else I'd have a field day with all of these products on my blog. But if you really want to laugh, I suggest going to the website and just doing a little bit of browsing. And I thought Sky Mall could get outlandish.

But you want to know what the worst part of all of this is? I'm slowly giving in to all of it. The prospect of all of this octogenarian mail doesn't keep me from wanting my crochet magazine. I have plans to teach myself knitting this summer. And I actually thought that this doggy sweater and the doggy wearing it were painfully cute.

I guess, at this point, it's useless for me to fight it.

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